There was no moment, before I came to.
In darkness I lived, but I could see through. An
inherited home required my attention with the same vigour that a mountain
thirsts for water. A desperation that runs so deep I do not know where it
seeps. It is the only belief I know. I cannot disguise my apprehension to all
that grows, while staying below.
I am held here. My captor created ripples, penetrating
my drooping skin, pushing my bolts and tightening my screws until all I can
withstand is the silence that allows me to whisper within. It is the only thing
I hold. I am tied to this deathly song
like the locket of a lover who has moved on. I wait in a tomb. The vibrations
of yesterday do not waver in their murmur. I am alone.
The grace that purifies all that lives does not come
to my form. My shape must contort. Allow air to disrobe what is already
fractured, hanging in the breathless void.
Screeching vapours of dense gas encroached my mouth, releasing a portrait of mist that circulated my anatomy: leaving me within, the insane daze of passing days.
I am a being unseen. Scaly and brutish, I am an
assortment of treasures. A beast in disguise from its own eyes, for the form in
which I reside weeps, when I reveal my mind.
The being that wakes has no voice. I have no choice in
my understanding. A listening booth is what I tried to compose. I want to hear
what will allow me to leave this prison.
Alas I find
myself within a maze of encroaching dimensions that leaves everything I desire
without intention. Destiny leaves much to be admired. I was promised a loving space;
yet remain rooted in sinking matter. What I grow, decays before budding, like
its creator. Failing to prosper in the material realm. I have nothing left.
I know myself within these walls. My faith is as
ridiculous as a dying sunset; a conjuring of thought that cannot be accessed in
I reside inside.
The darkness is where I grow, where I wake, and where
I play. I create feasts of my dismay, to devour. They settle in my stomach creating
bubbles that destroy me vigorously.
I cannot flourish in a waking state.
I am a slave to the haunted.
My gate is my throne.
A castle composed of fractures and spirals, adorned
atop the humblest of bones. I envision silky ribbons of pastel coloured light
beaming into my soul and cracking my shell. A dance that disrupts all I have
ever been. Allowing me to germinate expressive ceremonies that originate from
within me. I imagine that this is what it feels like to be free.
I am an intrusion; a being that colluded with time and
space in order to wake. This was my first mistake.
To open my door would be to let the world know that in
here, there is a being that roams.
I will make no noise.
Imagined dream states invade my coffin.
I allow them to drape my surface like soliloquy’s said
between young lovers on the brink of spring, an enslaving sensual delirium as
potent as cherry blossoms.
To leave this castle of bones is to perish. Violating energies creating calamities of youthful proportions are the smallest fears I face. Long corridors and solitary gateways wait for the being that decides to emerge.
I found my disguise.
myself an everlasting fear and cast a spell that meant I would forever be caged
in here. Alongside a bewilderment of beliefs, a fountain of mould as vast as
land and sea and a view of a mountain, I would never reach. Everything
flourishes except thee. I did not want to be a beast, but it was all I found in
my chamber of mirrors.
I sit waiting. Fading into forgotten shadows, riddled
with options. I find treasures in every direction and eat them like a beast,
nourished by their multiplicity. I settle into the seed of forgotten needs and
let myself be taken by what I cannot see. It feeds the darkness of my torrid
tongue and I hear the ghouls sing their marching song.
I am a slave to the haunted.
I imagine breaking through the dents in my back, to
smoothen my core. Composing sounds of flowing waters submerge me gracefully. My
form becomes unhinged; leaving me with buckets of my own exposed ruin. Embraced
by my deepest roots. Nourished by the voice that does not speak, but vibrates in
A second is forever in the galaxy of the heart so I need not know, how long I wondered in the dark.
A noise came to my door.
I stayed silent as long as I could, but the knocking
did not cease. The smell of my dreams was now my reality. It was patient. It
played on my door like a petal on the breeze. Wafting the air, creating need. I was sure my castle could not be found, a
spiralling staircase set upon decomposing ground. A valley of quicksand to suck
all those who dare approach, and a stream of miniature bones adorned my throne.
Yet I hear a knock.
I came to, speaking in a voice unknown to thee. There
is no need to speak when you understand yourself with a deathly serenity. Words
are but tools, reserved for earthly beasts.
My voice trembled as I opened my mouth; my lips were
tight as my tongue hugged my check with a wrestlers grip. I uttered,
“Leave or say what you desire for I cannot help with
what you require.”
Stillness appears, making me quiver in my steps. This
form and I had a strange connection.
This being did not speak.
I waited. I shall not open my gate or say another
thing. I am in pain; darkness escapes my veins. It is a dangerous
I feel dynamic in its presence.
This foreign brute hurts my life for I am sensitive to
all those without disguise. I must protect myself. I must hide.
Knowing I’m not alone bruises me. It is vibrating below the ground. A dense shudder. I swayed under its grace. Could it feel my infested soul?
It was grinding into my back like a digger; I hurled
myself to the ground. Silently praying that mercy would be given to thee.
Eternity passed in our trembling forms. This moment
did not exist in time, but rather in the pains of what scurried behind my unconscious
Primordial darkness stood between us.
Its voice did not vibrate on this earth.
“I am ‘I’. You have the wrong place. I am that which
bleeds without demise. I feel but cannot describe.”
I am an eternal sigh that gains no rest.
It must be a trick. I feel weak and scared to know: what makes this being.
How can it be assured in a land so strange?
This ground is mine.
The being has stayed too long. Its nearness is
disturbing my temporal song.
The being wants to join me; I felt it in my
Does it not know that I wish to be left alone?
I feel weak and deranged.
I have nowhere to hide. I shall not speak. I do not
want to satisfy the thirst of this form. This being does not want ‘I’ but
another earthly disguise. It is the swarm of desert loci that engage the green
plain; skipping over the riverbeds, they feast for another day.
This being feels like the energy that surrounded the
seed before the initial bloom.
Its presence has me lost in an infinite loop of
I put my back to the door. My flesh and form cannot
bear this weight. I am in need. I want this being close to me. In ways that
make me shudder, I am in need of deliverance. I am in longing. I want to be
touched by the tides of this form like the infectious waves of the ocean; I am
the patient ever-changing rock.
I have no touch for what is strange. I can see no colour,
other than the one that surrounds my earthly wake. Yet I want this being. It consumes
With a rush of tortured winds, doubt begins to sing. I
am being dragged to the brink; I am face to face with my gate. Venerability has
a face, an abyss with no mist. My hands wont leave my side. I want another
disguise, a place where I no longer hide.
My mouth gapes wide, as my skin spreads. A
conversational void between my fear and my suspicious soul emerges. It enables
me to breathe.
What a funny feeling. Air caresses my side as swirls
of lightning lift my temporal mind. My doubt swims from behind my eyes. For the
first time since my birth, I have another feeling.
I am split. I
am turning. Rising to a new sensation that creates a cosmos of possibilities.
I feel you, deeply.
Coloured lights skim along, polished floors that
stretch beyond view. I am a mountain, surrounded by energies that lack
disguise. Swans of vapours electrify and purify all I hold dear. They leave me
naked and scorned. In shame and fear, I contort. Laying my head in my wounds, I
create memory walls to hear the sounds of what I loved once before. Their
vibrations are burning me, like the glare of a volcanic storm; I am born in the
fire of its call.
I am face to face with a sound, which lives presently now. A birthing rage fills its form, it slithers to my ear, and with reverberating scream – it whispers
A wolfish smile stills me. Twittering tingles play
along my exposed vertebrates. Magnetic murmurs push me to the edge. I need, I want,
to have this being within.
It whispers into my ear, its mouth plays along my
bolts and screws. My senses are filled with an ethereal scent. Purple in shape,
blue in space, yellow in heart, green in pulse, red in odour- it delights me
into submission. Unwinding my form, I unlock, unblock and breath, its youth. I
am a dark panther crossing prisms of 3-dimensional bridges. Within my minds
eyes, I understand the root of my disguise.
I am transforming. My fears turn into a desert haze,
as my dreams become riverbeds that constantly grow to create.
As I unwind, opaque winter clouds emerge from my
I dive into my darkest wells and unlock all the
monsters that I feed.
I belong, to
what I cannot see. I am filled with a delicious glee. I want this being and I
can feel it wants me.
I feel unworthy, dirty with the sin of wasted time. I
close my eyes and open the gate.
There is no visible sight, only my blistering
I see my form. A weltering violet in a compassionate
hurricane, I grow roots like a tree.
A conversation between reality and mystery play along
my sides- foraging my mind, I am no longer a prisoner to what kept me inside. My
chains slip from my form and I remember that it was I who locked the door.
I wish to hear the voice once more. A confirming call
that it was not in my mind.
A thunderous vibration tells me I am not alone; I do
not fall, I am not afraid. I am awake, a sensation that is as unfamiliar as the
I feel my essence in the breeze, desiring to hear what
I seek; yet I hear only the expanding space within me. Silence emerges. My heart races with anticipation, I will live
to hear their voice once more.
I feel my home expanding, rooms unravelling, doors opening, feelings growing. I do not see the being but feel it sliver along my bones, telling me to grow. I close my gate and face the familiarity of the unknown.