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To whoever will listen

I do not want to begin at the beginning. To begin at the beginning, is to give space to the horror, the blood, the hurt and the untimely death of a young child.

This is not where I want to begin- so instead, I will tell you how courageous she was. She was not your usual child and thus she was predestined to tell a great story- but a great story is rarely told and thus this child made themselves into the beautiful story. A story being something you can tell others. For without this story, this child would have died with everyone else, without recognition. The child named 0 believed themselves to be a spontaneous happening, they saw nothing beautiful in their existence and saw no lasting recognition of their time or their suffering. Yet on the night of their death, they wished upon a star. A star moving through the sky at a rapid speed- before the star could land and destroy everything, the child wished for the ability to choose. The child wished on a comet of change and this comet remembered the child’s location and their wish and when it came time to begin another world. The comet found the little girl and said, “I feel you wished for another time and space. Follow me, I know the way.”   

Photography by Michelle Gutiérrez

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Cloud’s a Monster.

This is a moment in Cloud’s mind.

Day 1.

I find discipline hard. I find it so hard, I refuse to learn how to spell it.

Day 2

I want you to understand me. So I will make myself something you can understand.

Day 2.47

This is spell check, making me more intelligible or at least more grammatically correct. I assume that to be more grammatically correct is to have more structure.

Day 2.9987

I don’t like discipline very much but I am benefitting from it. It is teaching me how to be better.

Day 3

Beauty

Expecting

Teachings

Todays  

Explore

Realties

I am all about better, for myself and for others, so I feel I should have discipline.

Day 4

Discipline

/ˈdɪsɪplɪn/

noun

1.

The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience.

2.

verb

Train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience.

(Google)

Day 4.8634

They have such a limiting understanding of discipline. They think that it must include punishment. I wonder why it does not simply include…….

Day 4.8639

Training? I wonder what else you train? I wonder how you train, yourself to be free?

Day 5

I wonder if you use (………..) and mix it together with care and reflection, what would happen?

I wonder if they even know about (………..)

That is so strange.

Day 6.540

I feel I am getting better at discipline. Auto correct is presuming that I am trying to spell discipline. Is that me improving or the computer?

Day 7

A monster reflects in space.

I am also allowing myself the space, to be a mixture of things.

So sometimes, it looks like I am not very disciplined but I am very disciplined. Is that contradictory?

Sometimes, I feel like I get lost in time and space because I am so many things.

Then I remember, that I am not opposing things- I am just many things. Moving at different shades and different speeds. 

I am a combination of many things and that is why I am a monster. Some things are good- some things are bad but all of the time, and I mean all of the time, I am trying.

Also I don’t believe in good or bad.

I believe in this and that.

There are many bad things in this world but I feel that, if you can be a combination of things and you let yourself feel without opposition. Without creating a category, you may be contradictory, but it does not mean that you are opposing. I wonder if the swirl imagines it has an opposite?

I am letting myself grow in monstrous ways because I am a monster.

Today.

Thus to be disciplined, is to allow myself to be a beautiful mixture of all the things that I want to be. The reality is as sincere as the dream and thus I allow myself to be what I wish to become as well as what I am now. Without opposition, that may be contradictory but I do not hold the contradiction as opposite.

Opposite

Opposite adjective (DIFFERENT)

  1. Completely different.

(Oxford) 

Tomorrow’s Reality at Dawn .

I don’t think you can discipline people to be better. You can condition them. You can make them assume your world- by teaching them the rules of ‘the world’. You can discipline them into obeying. You can give them definitions and examples that make them follow. But that is boring. It requires no imagination, or a very presuming one.

Too have an assuming imagination must feel like auto correct. A disciplined imagination is strange.

Today

I know their secret.

They don’t know how to be better. They are scared.

Now.

I sound like the ocean hitting the storm on a quiet day on Jupiter and it feels great.

I wonder if this diary entry means anything to anyone but I know it means everything to me.